The other 'Revenge Of The Sith'
This site is in no way affiliated with George Lucas, Lucas Film, Lucas Online, or Lucas Arts.
It's the writer's personal view on
Star Wars, Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith.
* The text below contains a lot of spoilers *
There's a lot
of spoilers below. Like, a whole lot. If you haven't seen the movie yet,
maybe you should. I wouldn't force this movie on anybody, but it might give you a good laugh or two.
laughed my ass of when I saw it (thank you for that, Kitty).
I think you'll enjoy the writing below more if you have
seen it, but that's just me.
However, it's a free world, so read away if you want. Be careful you don't strain a muscle though.
Last, but not least, I want to acknowledge some people:
, for some of the jokes/ideas below;
, for some of the other jokes/ideas below;
, for arranging for us to see the movie.
The text below contains some very insinuating text and some swearing. Oh, and the word Penis. Once.
I'm not very good at age ratings, but I'd rate it at PG-13 or something. But, as I said, I'm not good
at these things.
And now, without further ado: The other Revenge of the Sith
War! Bladiebla blabla.
Enter random new bad guy: General
In a move of utter stupidity, General
Grievous has kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine from the Republic
capital. What possible use he could have for the Chancellor is
unknown. Luckily, the entire republic effort to save the Chancellor
consists of only two Jedi, who are attempting to board the General's
ship while the rest of the republic army is trying to blast it out of
Obi Wan: This should be easy.
Anakin: Master, there are a lot
of incoming fighters.
Obi Wan: Oh... Odd Ball, do you copy? We
need some cannon fodder here. You non-Jedi are expendable; get your
ass over here!
A space fighter battle ensues.
Anakin: The other pilots are
dying. I'm going to help them!
No Ani, first Jedi rule: “Survive”. They have
their job, we have ours. Pity for them that theirs does not include
(to himself): He still has much to learn. Cowardice is
a Jedi's best friend.
Suddenly a missile explodes nearby and
droids jump onto Obi Wan's ship.
Obi Wan: Oh darn, Ani, I -ehm-
I'm not gonna make it. You go on alone and do all the work.
Anakin: I'll not leave you
Obi Wan: Darn it.
Anakin makes short work of the droids
and the Jedi enter the decompressing hangar bay of General Grievous's
ship. They jump out of their ships and more fighting ensues. Luckily,
Jedi are resistant to rapid de- and re-pressurization.
Obi Wan: <insert lame joke here>.
Anakin: Ha, ha, ha. This is
(Easy because I'm doing all the work, you pricks).
Because of R2's good work, the two
Jedis quickly find themselves on an empty observation deck. Only
Palpatine sits there, restrained in a chair.
Obi Wan: Good day, Chancellor.
You being in this room all alone waiting for us is not suspicious at
Palpatine: Look it's Count
Dooku. You'd better run and get help. “Cowardice is a Jedi's
best friend” and all.
Obi Wan: No, no. Sith lords are
Dooku crushes Obi Wan's legs beneath an
Count Dooku: “Sith lords
are our specialty” indeed.
Anakin: My powers have doubled
since the last time we met, Count. I checked with the
Light-Side-Power-O-Meter ™ in the Jedi temple.
Count Dooku: Yeah. Right. You're
twice as annoying at the very least.You have much anger in you.
You should talk to Yoda about that.
Anakin artfully slices off Dooku's
hands and places both his and Dooku's lightsaber against the count's
Palpatine: Kill him, kill him
now... and I mean that in the most non-evil kind of way.
A tiny Yoda with a halo on Anakin's
left shoulder: Killing evil is be. Lead to Dark Side it will.
A tiny Emperor with horns on
Anakin's right shoulder: Just
do it. The Light Side is for shriveled old frogs.
Anakin: 'Killing evil is be'?
That's not even English.
Aw screw it, I always wanted to see what kind of damage these
lightsabers could do.
Count Dooku: No! No, I'm cut out
of a movie. Again!
Exit Count Dooku (head first).
Palpatine: Right. Let's get out
Anakin: I'm not leaving Obi Wan!
Palpatine: There's no time.
Besides, he's been next to useless so far.
Obi Wan: I'm still alive!
Palpatine: Just leave him or
we'll never make it. Remember: “Cowardice is a Jedi's best
Obi Wan: I can still walk! The
balcony that dropped on my legs was... like... really light... or
Palpatine (covering bad writing and
directing): Look, there. General Grievous!
Grievous: Ha, ha, *cough*,
*cough*, I'll kill you.
More fighting ensues. Droids die. Jedis
swirl their sabers. Then the ships starts to crash to the planet
Grievous: So much for my master
plan of coming here and taking the Chancellor. *cough*, *cough*, I
think I'd better split.
Obi Wan: He fled using an escape
pod! Lucky bastard. Er, I mean, Anakin can you fly this thing?
Anakin: Like that matters. This
ship is more akin to a falling boulder at the moment. And I think
half of the ship just fell off.
Obi Wan: Not to worry. We're
still flying half a ship.
Anakin: Yeah. The part without
Obi Wan: Not to worry. George
Lucas won't kill us, he needs us for episode four, five and six.
The ship, despite its lack of wings,
defies all laws of physics and glides down to a conveniently placed
landing strip instead of dropping to the ground like a rock. The
ship grinds it way into the ground, destroying some surrounding
buildings, killing a score more people, then comes to a halt.
Obi Wan: Another happy landing!
The heroes go to the senate building
where they are met by Samuel L. Jackson.
Samuel: Glad you're back,
Palpatine. We've missed your power-hungry war-mongering.
Palpatine: Well, your two Jedi
friends kicked Dooku's ass, but the droid General escaped.
Samuel: The coughing droid? Who
gives a shit.
Palpatine: The corrupt senate
will vote for war as long as he's alive.
Samuel: He's a droid and
therefor not alive. Problem solved!
Palpatine: I'm not falling for
that one again. This time I selected... Er, I mean, the evil
General has a heart and thus is alive!
Samuel: Damn it. The Jedi'll
make killing him a top priority then. Well, next to surviving that
is. And cowardice. Cowardice is our main virtue. And Stupidity...
They trail off and the view shifts to
show Padmé standing in the shadows. Anakin runs to her and
kisses her, doing a fine job of hiding his marriage by smooching her
in the most public spot on Coruscant.
Anakin: Padmé! Thank god
the chancellor got kidnapped, or I would have been on the outer rim
-like- forever. You look beautiful!
only because I'm so in love...
Anakin: No, it's because
I'm so in love with you.
Padmé: I'm sorry about
that. Morning sickness. Ani, I'm pregnant!
Anakin: ...*groan* ...
T-that's... wonderful. Wait, how long was I in the outer rim again?
Padmé: Don't worry, for
the rest of this movie I'll be a good little wife and do nothing but
sit at home and watch soap operas!
That night Anakin has a terrible dream.
Padmé is dying in child birth.
What's wrong? Did my curling irons scare you again?
Anakin: Worse. I dreamed of you
dying in childbirth.
Padmé: Oh no. Maybe you
should ask Obi Wan for help? He's really good with his tongue... at
talking. Yes, talking.
Anakin: No, we really don't need
Padmé: How about Yoda?
He's really good with his... ehm... stick.
And so, the next day, Anakin ends up in
a dark room meditating with Yoda.
Yoda: Of these visions to me you
Anakin: Well, I see someone
close to me dying.
Yoda: Oh, but good that be.
Death a part of life is! Rejoice, as people join the force.
Anakin: Ehm... Yoda, easy for
you to say. You're like... 900 years old. She's in her twenties.
Yoda: Fear of death to the Dark
Anakin: Master Yoda, why does
everything lead to the Dark Side? Like 'not getting you another beer
from the fridge' leads to the Dark Side. And 'not buying you a new
lightsaber with built-in MP3 player' leads to the Dark Side.
Yoda: Attachment leads to
jealousy. That leads to the Dark Side. Train yourself to let go of
everything you fear to lose.
Courage it takes to face your fears.
Jedi have that not. Cowardice a Jedi's best friend is.
Anakin: What?! I'm out of here
you old coot. I've already missed a meeting with Obi Wan to listen to
Anakin stalks off and enters the
briefing room, where he has just missed the briefing.
Obi Wan: You're late! You've
missed the briefing.
Anakin: *Sigh* I have no excuse.
Obi Wan: Aw, who cares.
Everything is going well. More or less. Only thing is, the Senate
gave Palpatine more power. He's on the field outside the Jedi Temple
right now, laughing maniacally and giving us the finger.
Anakin: And? More power to
Palpatine means more action. We can kick more ass!
Obi Wan: Be careful of your
Obi Wan: The Jedi councel can't
put their fingers -or equivalent appendages- on it, but something is
off about Palpatine...
He wants to see you, by the way. You'd
better get going.
Cut to the Chancellor's quarters.
Anakin and Palpatine are speaking.
Palpatine: I need your help.
Palpatine: I want you on the
Anakin: Er. Chancellor, they
elect their own members.
Palpatine: Oh, I think they will
listen to me. I have pictures of Yoda and a certain Twi'lek Padawan
in his training that will make him do as I ask.
Cut to the Jedi council. Yoda is there,
as is Anakin, and the guy with the high forehead, and of course
Samuel L. Jackson.
Yoda: Palpatine's meddling
lightly we take not.
Anakin: Yeah, yeah. So am I in?
Samuel: You're on the council,
but you're no master. Nah-nah-na-nah-nah.
Anakin (whining): That's not
fair. I wanna be a master. I'm way cooler than you, Samuel L.
Samuel: Just sit down and shut
up. Look, we have to do something about the droids attacking the
Yoda: I will go myself. I have a
special 'relationship' with the Wookies.
Samuel (looks oddly at Yoda):
The council disbands and Obi Wan and
Anakin walk off together.
Anakin (still whining): I wanna
be a master.
Obi Wan: Oh shut up. You're
lucky you're even on the council, they don't trust your friendship
with Palpatine. The council just did it so can spy on him.
Anakin: What! Spying on the
chancellor is treason.
Obi Wan: Ehm... he put you on
the council so you could spy for him.
Anakin: That's different. He's a
really nice guy.
Obi Wan: Search your feelings.
Perhaps there is something more hidden behind his facade of
power-mongering, corruption, and meddling. I can't really put my
finger on what, but something strange is going on. Be careful.
Obi Wan walks off to confer with Yoda
and Samuel L. Jackson, leaving Anakin to ponder things.
Samuel: I don't think it's smart
to put Anakin and Palpatine together. Anakin's a loose cannon as it
Obi Wan: But he's the chosen
one! He'll bring balance to the force. He'll, like, kill all the
Sith, who we thought were already extinct, so that there is only the
Light Side, which is balance.
Yoda: Somehow add up that does
not. Maybe misread the prophecy was somehow.
Samuel: Huh? Another form of
balance between the Dark Side and the Light Side besides there only
being the Light Side. No. It does not make sense. Maybe if I was as
smart as you, Yoda.
Yoda: After 900 years, not even
grammar have I mastered. Beyond me it is also. Obi Wan?
Obi Wan: What were we talking
about again? I'm hungry.
Later that night. Chancellor Palpatine
is watching some kind of performance. Anakin walks in and speaks to
Palpatine: Hello Anakin. My
clones have found General Grievous in a remote system. The council
should send you to kick his ass. I mean, you're a really
good Jedi. Do sit down by the way.
Palpatine gestures his cronies to leave
in a way that would make the Mafia proud. Anakin sits down.
Palpatine: You know, the Jedi
council is really evil.
Palpatine: Yeah, they clearly
want to control the Republic, while I am ruling it so very
democratically at the moment.
Anakin: They've been mean to me.
Samuel L. Jackson passed a note to Yoda yesterday during the council
meeting, and I think it was a drawing of me with a really tiny...
lightsaber. And Yoda snickered.
Palpatine: You poor boy. You
know the Sith and the Jedi really aren't that different. Those with
power fear most to lose that power.
Anakin: No way, the Sith are
arrogant egotistical power-hungry cowards...
I see your point. Their light sabers
are a different color though.
Palpatine: Have you ever heard
of Darth Plagus the Wise?
Anakin: No... Darth Plagus
the Wise. Who makes these retarded names up?
Palpatine: Shut up or I'll call
you Darth Dickus after I turn you to the Dark-
Ehm, ahem – Darth Plagus was so
wise that he could actually stop people from dying. But it's a power
some consider unnatural – like
the Jedi, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Anakin: Sith are cool. Ehm. What
happened to him?
Palpatine: Well, in the end he
was brought down because he feared to lose his power. He taught his
apprentice everything. And then his apprentice killed him in his
Anakin: How is that related
to fear? It seems he was simply betrayed by someone close to him.
Palpatine: Well. Er. Look. The
point is: Sith have power to keep from dying! Power! Not Dying. Nice!
Anakin: Ooh. Power. So, can I
learn this power?
Palpatine: Not from a Jedi...
Anakin: From a wookie then?
Anakin: From a droid. A droid
could teach me?
Palpatine: No, from a Sith, you
Anakin: Oh. You don't say...
Palpatine: Oh shut up and go
inform the council I've found Grievous.
Later, the Jedi sit in council. Yoda is
there by a live uplink. High-forehead guy is there, as is Obi Wan,
and of course Samuel L. Jackson.
Anakin: Palpatine has found
Grievous. He wants me to go kick his ass. Can I? Can I?
Yoda: Not fast so. The council
its own mind will make up... er... its own mind make up it will.. or
mind own up... it... Let's just send Obi Wan.
High-forehead guy: I concur.
Yoda: Alright then. I have to go
with the wookies and... fight some droids.
The projection of Yoda disappears and
the Jedi leave the council room, leaving a grumbling Anakin. Later,
he has another vision of Padmé. She appears in the throws
of... childbirth. This time, Obi Wan is leaning over her and
whispering words of encouragement. Then Anakin wakes up from his
vision and finds himself back in Padmé's appartment.
Anakin: You look beautiful!
Padmé: It's only because I'm so in love...
Anakin: No, it's
because I'm so in love with you.
Anakin: Morning sickness again?
Has Obi Wan been here?
Padmé (humming to herself and
smiling): Yes, he was here this morning. Why?
Anakin: What did he want?
Padmé: What do any of the
Jedi who come by here want? Ehm. Yes. *cough* He was worried about
Anakin (frothing at the mouth):
Worried? Well. I am a bit... lost. The council doesn't trust
me, just because I'm acting a little psychotic. And I don't know why.
It's not like I've committed murder or anything... recently. I just
want more power.
Oh yeah, and I've found a way to save you.
Anakin: Save you from my
Padmé: Look, Ani, I
promise I won't die in childbirth.
Anakin: No. I promise
Switch to Obi Wan arriving on a remote
planet. By an enormous coincidence he manages to land in exactly the
place where General Grievous is hiding. The local populace warns him,
and he sneaks into Grievous's headquarters.
Grievous is talking to the resistance
Grievous: You're being shipped
to Mustafar. It's a lava filled hell-hole. You'll be... safe there.
Whiny Viceroy: Look, your stupid
stunt at the beginning of the movie got Dooku killed and cost you a
lot of ships. I think you're malfunctioning.
Grievous: *cough*, *cough*. Shut
The leaders are packed up and escorted
out. All of a sudden Obi Wan drops down into the horde of droids in a
move both stupid and melodramatic.
Obi Wan: Hello there.
Grievous: That was a stupid move. And
Obi Wan: I'm counting on your
stupidity to overcome mine.
Grievous: And rightly so,
*cough*, *cough*. Count Dooku trained me in the arts of Jedi
fighting, you fool, so instead of having my droids shoot you on the
spot, I'll fight you myself.
Grievous takes off his mantle and
reveals four arms, each carrying a lightsaber. Fighting ensues.
Luckily for Obi Wan, the droid is an incompetent fighter and mostly
uses only one or two of the lightsabers to parry Obi Wan, forgetting
to use the remaining two to skewer the incompetent Jedi master.
Grievous: You must realize, you
Obi Wan: I don't think so.
At this point, Obi Wan decides to
actually use his powers and flings Grievous away. To increase the
melodramatic effect, this does not kill Grievous, but allows him to
escape in a strange vehicle. A visual effects extravaganza is bound
For the moment, the view cuts to the
Jedi council, where Anakin and Samuel L. Jackson are present. Yoda
and high-forehead guy are there as holographic projections. There's
also a projection of one of the clones.
Clone: Obi Wan has engaged
Samuel: Are you doing anything
useful to help him kill the General?
Clone: No, not really, we're
more involved in causing general mayhem and allowing the budget for
useless special effects to be spent. Clone out.
Samuel: Oh, good. Anakin, go to
the Chancellor and tell him this.
Anakin leaves and only the Jedi masters
Samuel: I sense a plot to
destroy the Jedi. The Dark Side surrounds the Chancellor. I wonder
what it could all mean.
Yoda: Not a clue, I have.
Ooh...erk... Chewbacca, touching me there you stop!
Er- hear that, you did not.
High-forehead guy: Hmm. I still
don't have a clue what's going on, but if the Chancellor stays in
power after we kill Grievous, we should remove him ourselves.
Samuel: We'd have to seize power
in the republic! A pity there's no other thing we can do. The Dark
Side seems to surround the Chancellor, he is a near-dictator who is
trying to corrupt our prodigy, Anakin, and somebody is plotting to
destroy the Jedi. No matter how hard I think, the pieces just don't
seem to fit together.
Yoda: Seizing power leads to the
Dark Side. Great care we should take. Remember, cowardice a Jedi's
best friend is!
Meanwhile, Anakin arrives in
Anakin: So, Obi Wan is fighting
Grievous at the moment.
Palpatine: Let's hope he's up to
the task. I kind of have some doubts, Dooku kicking his ass in under
five seconds and all.
Anakin: I should be with him.
Palpatine: The council doesn't
seem to appreciate you.
Anakin: I get the feeling I'm
not part of the club anymore. I wanna be a master too! It just seems
that they don't trust me, just because I'm your lackey.
I also know there are things about the
force they are not telling me.
Palpatine: You mean the Dark
Side? It just so happens I know a lot about that.
Palpatine: Hello! Yoohoo, is
anybody in there. I am a Sith Lord. Damn, you Jedi are a bunch
of stupid sods.
Anakin: Wait a minute... you're,
like, a Sith Lord!
Palpatine: Duh! Look, my plan to
set you against the council and lure you to the Dark Side is far too
well-written. I'm trying it another - more crappy - way: I can give you
the power to save your wife from certain death.
Anakin: What did you say?
Palpatine: Use my knowledge!
Anakin: No. I'm turning you in.
Palpatine: Ok. But you don't
know what the Jedi are going to do, do you?
Anakin: Ehm. Arrest and execute
Palpatine: Hmmm. Perhaps you do
know. Off with you then. Remember though, I can help you save Padmé.
As promised, another drawn out special
effects scene featuring Obi Wan and General Grievous. Since there is
now proof of Palpatine's evil, the killing of General Grievous is
more or less completely unimportant. It is melodramatic, however, and
involves Obi Wan forgetting to use his powers again. He finally
manages to use a blaster to shoot Grievous to smithereens. Or more
accurately, in the heart below his chest-plate.
After that the view switches back to
Samuel L. Jackson and Anakin in the Jedi Temple.
Anakin: I have just learned a
terrible truth. Palpatine is a Sith Lord.
Samuel: What?! I did not see
that coming. Are you certain? Is he not just another dictator who
wants to control the universe? If he is, we really couldn't care
less. He's really a Sith Lord?
Samuel: Then our worst fears
have been realized. We must move quickly if the Jedi Order is to
survive. There are only hundreds of us, and there is at least one of
If only we'd taken one or two seconds over the past few years to sense if the chancellor could use the
force. If only we'd known his mad grab for power was leading to the
In hindsight all things seem so much
Anakin: I should come with you.
He's very strong.
Samuel: We can handle it. If
you're right, though, you will have gained my trust.
Anakin: What? You didn't trust
Samuel: Just wait in the council
Samuel L. Jackson climbs into a ship
with some expendable Jedi.
Samuel: Alright, clone trooper
pilot who is loyal to Palpatine, take us to the council chamber!
(to himself): I still have the nagging
feeling I'm missing something.
And so, Anakin sits alone in the
A tiny Emperor with horns on
Anakin's right shoulder: You
can't save Padmé without me.
A tiny Yoda with a halo on Anakin's
left shoulder: Listen to him, you should not. Wars do not make
Anakin: The war seems to have
made the Chancellor pretty powerful.
A tiny Yoda with a halo on Anakin's
left shoulder: Thinking of that kind to the Dark Side leads.
Anakin: Just screw you, I'm
Anakin jumps into a speeder and heads
for the senate building.
Meanwhile, Samuel L. Jackson and the
three expendable Jedi enter Palpatine's chambers.
Samuel: You're under arrest,
Palpatine: Look, behind you!
As the four turn, Palpatine attacks,
quickly killing the three expendable Jedi. More fighting ensues.
Finally, Samuel is able to subdue the chancellor.
Then, Anakin enters.
Samuel: I told you I could
Palpatine: Help. He's trying to
take over the Republic.
Anakin: Like I'm going to fall
for that one.
Palpatine: Darn it. Eat electric
Palpatine fires electrical rays at
Samuel, who manages to use his lightsaber to deflect them back at the
Palpatine: I can save Padmé.
Don't let him kill me.
Samuel: You're killing yourself,
you idiot. Turn off the electric rays.
Palpatine: I can't hold on any
Samuel: You stupid git, you've
deformed yourself. I've had it with you. You've killed a lot of Jedi.
Oh, and non-jedi too. I'm going to execute you.
Anakin: He should stand trial.
Killing is not the Jedi way.
Samuel: Ehm. Anakin. Killing
Sith is the Jedi way. Besides, he's corrupted both the courts
and the senate.
Anakin: I need him to save
Padmé. There is no other conceivable way to save Padmé.
He can't be lying about giving me the power to save her. And
it's not possible that my current actions are actually the cause
of her death.
Samuel makes to kill the chancellor.
Anakin intervenes by cutting off Samuel's hand. The Chancellor
immediately uses his electric rays to electrocute Samuel, flinging him
to his death. He shouts 'Power' at the top of his lungs while doing
Anakin: That looked a bit
Palpatine: Eh. Maybe.
Anakin (sitting down in shock):
What have I done?
Palpatine: Forget about it.
Become my apprentice!
Anakin (shrugs): Okay.
Anakin: I'll do anything you
ask. Just help me save Padmé.
Palpatine: Ehm... about that...
I don't really have that power... as such. But! Together I
know we'll figure it out.
Anakin: I should feel
cheated by this. Let me see, the Jedi really weren't corrupt. You
promised me the secret to saving Padmé, but now you can't
Thinking is hard.
I'll just pledge myself to you, it's
Palpatine: Good. The force is
strong in you. You'll be a good Sith. Henceforth, you shall be known
as... the Fellowship of the Ring.
No wait. I mean, henceforth, you shall
be known as... Darth Dickus!
Anakin: Darth Dickus?!
Palpatine: Had you there, boy,
didn't I? Just Kidding. Henceforth, you shall be known as... Darth
Anakin: Okay. So, now what?
Palpatine: The Jedi are a
problem. Go to the temple and kill the lot of them. Then, go the lava
planet of Mustafar and wipe out the separatists. I'll have my
corrupt clone troopers do the rest.
Palpatine: Go then, Lord Vader.
Oh, and work on your scary voice while you're at it.
A scene of utter horror unfolds. Anakin
walks into the Jedi temple accompanied by an army of clone troopers.
There he slaughters a lot of Jedi... Well some children Jedi anyway.
Palpatine gives order 'sixty-six' to
his clone troopers who start to kill the Jedi. We see Jedi after Jedi
struck down. They are so surprised by the clone troopers betrayal,
that they forget to use their Jedi powers. Deadly traps of all sorts
they can avoid, but it seems that they are no match for two or three
clone troopers. If only they had used their prescience to see this
coming. But alas, they all die. The universe weeps.
Only Yoda and Obi Wan survive, because
George Lucas needs them in episode four through six.
The view shifts to Yoda and two wookies
preparing a hidden shuttle as they cleverly evade the clone troopers.
Yoda (looking dewy eyed at his two wookie friends): Goodbye,
Tarfful. Goodbye, Chewbacca.
Miss you, I will. Run away I must. Remember, Cowardice a Jedi's best
The two wookies look at Yoda, then at
Tarfful: *Roar* (I will miss
him. He was so good with his... stick).
Chewbacca: *Roar* (Perhaps we
should have hidden a bigger ship here, then we could have gone with
him instead of being enslaved for the next ten years or so).
Back on coruscant, Anakin visits his
Anakin: Padmé! You look
Padmé: It's only because I'm so in
Anakin: No, it's because I'm so in love with
Anakin: Still having morning
sickness? Wait... it's night.
Padmé: Ehm. What happened
at the Jedi temple? It's on fire. Was Yoda playing with matches
Anakin: No. The Jedi have
betrayed the Republic and the Senate!
Padmé: Really? Hmmm.
Being a senator myself, I will... do nothing but sit here and do your
laundry. Is that okay?
Anakin: It is good, wife. Now
then, I must be off to the Mustafar system to kill some more
people... I mean, to bring the Chancellor's 'justice'... I mean -Ehm-
Anakin steps into his space ship, which
R2D2 is strapped into already.
C3PO: He's under a lot of
stress, isn't he?
R2D2: Bleep-di-bleep (for the
love of god, don't leave me alone with this maniac!)
C3PO (waves): Take care little
R2D2: bleep-snort (I'll get you
for this, you filthy gold-plated toaster).
Anakin and R2 zoom off into the night.
C3PO: Oh my lady, is there
anything I might do?
Padmé: Well... do you
have a 'computer interface spike' like the one that comes out of R2?
And does it vibrate?
The view fades out, then back in to
Senator Organa's ship, where Obi Wan and Yoda are reunited.
Organa: So, after I saw the
temple being attacked by a gazillion troops, I decided to go to the
outer rim and look for Yoda. And a good thing too. He was flying in
exactly the wrong direction to get to Coruscant.
Yoda: Yes, heh, heh, *gulp*.
Unfortunate that was.
Obi Wan: Did any others survive?
Yoda: Of that a clue I have not.
Organa: There's a distress
signal coming from the Jedi temple telling everybody to return there
Obi Wan: And thousands of bodies
and Clone troops await them in the burning temple remains. There's no
way that any Jedi are smart enough to evade that trap.
Yoda: *Sigh* Turn it off, you
Obi Wan: I'd hoped you could,
you know, go and do that... by yourself. One of us should survive at
least. Cowardice is a Jedi's best friend. And I'm the youngest. Just
be happy you can join the force!
Yoda: On your life, not! Go
together we shall!
Obi Wan: Damn it.
Meanwhile on Mustafar. The planet is
really, really hot, and looks really, really inhospitable. There is
one small building with the Separatist leaders in it. The Viceroy is
on the line with Palpatine.
Viceroy: Well, your plan worked.
Palpatine: Pretty neat, huh? You
hadn't expected that when you met that hunchbacked guy in the
cloak all those years ago! But it worked.
Viceroy: So, can we go back to
joining the Republic now? I haven't been home in years.
Palpatine: No, my new apprentice
needs some more slaughtering practice... Er, I mean, my new
apprentice Darth Vader will 'take care of you'.
Viceroy: Oh, that's nice.
Palpatine: Ah, there he is now!
Viceroy: Welcome, Lord Vader.
Say, ehm, you look a bit... insane.
Anakin uses his power to close all the
Viceroy: Right. I'm getting a
Anakin starts to kill the lot of them,
slicing them down one by one.
Viceroy: Oh crap. Who could have
known that joining forces with a guy in a creepy suit and trying to
start a war could lead to this?!
Viceroy: Look, Lord Sidious
promised us peace.
And Anakin kills the Viceroy, leaving
him alone on a hell-hole lava planet with a bunch of dead bodies.
He decides to stick around for a while.
Switching to Coruscant. Obi Wan and
Yoda are fighting their way into the Jedi temple. Lucky for them, the
Chancellor did not put enough clone troopers in his trap to have it
actually be effective against more than one Jedi.
Yoda: Slipped in undetected we
could have, but, no, take a leak you had to.
Obi Wan: Hey. When you gotta go,
you gotta go.
After a very short battle, the clone
troopers are all dead.They walk into the temple. There are a
bunch of dead younglings.
Yoda: Killed by a lightsaber
they were. The clone troopers shot the strong adult Jedi, but these
weak untrained younglings were killed by another Jedi.
Obi Wan: Who could do such a
thing? I don't know anybody who was being corrupted by evil. Nobody
who was always bitching that the council was holding him back. Nobody
that could turn to the Dark Side under Palpatine's wing. Although,
something tickles at the back of my mind. Ah well, let's continue.
They walk on and recalibrate the
distress signal. It now tells all the Jedi to turn tail and run like
girls (which is coincidentally the default setting).
Yoda: Right, out of here let's
Obi Wan: Your grammar's getting
worse, you know that? I want to look at the security tapes first.
Yoda: Only pain will you find
Obi Wan: Yeah, yeah, like the
time I looked under your bed and found those naughty magazines there,
I bet. I'm looking.
The tape shows Anakin killing the
younglings. Then it shows him and Palpatine together, both in their
Palpatine: You did well, my
apprentice. Now, Lord Vader, go to the planet Musta-
Obi Wan turns the recording off.
Obi Wan: No, it can't be. It is
so unexpected. Who could have foreseen this?
Yoda: Ehm.. Yeah. Kill the Sith,
we should. One we will kill each.
Obi Wan: Why not go together?
Yoda: Smart that would be, yet
smart we are not. Go and find Anakin.
Obi Wan: I don't want to. Send
me to kill the Emperor. Besides I have no idea where Anakin
Yoda: Emperor? What Emperor.
Missed something I have?
Cut to the council chamber. Palpatine
is giving a speech. Padmé is listening intently, as Senator
Organa walks in.
Organa: What's been happening?
Padmé: The Chancellor has
just explained that the Jedi tried to take over the republic and that
they are being hunted down and massacred. Serves them right for
maintaining the peace in the Republic for so long.
Organa: Ehm. Yeah. What's with
the gloomy cloak and scary voice?
Padmé: His cloak and the
creepy voice? He was just explaining that.
Palpatine: Even though I cut
myself shaving this morning, my resolve has never been stronger! Oh,
and by the way, I'm turning the Republic into a Galactic Empire!
Padmé: So this is how
liberty dies, with thunderous applause.
Organa: Perhaps you should have
been here voting and doing something about it, instead of sitting at
home entertaining all those Jedi and being pregnant.
Padmé: Shut up.
Back to Obi Wan and Yoda.
Yoda: Oh right, that Emperor.
Go kill the Emperor I shall. Obi Wan, Anakin you shall murder.
Obi Wan: No, I can't. I also
have no idea where he is. I don't know where to look.
Yoda: Use your feelings, Obi
Wan, and find him you will. Or at the security tapes you look.
Obi Wan: Of course! Padmé
will know where he went. I'm off!
A little later in Padmé's home.
Obi Wan: Look, I need to find
Anakin, he's become evil!
Padmé: No way. He's
slightly psychotic, maybe, but evil, never.
Obi Wan: I saw a security tape
of him killing younglings. It was all Palpatine's fault!
Padmé: I don't believe
you. I can't.
She looks pointedly at her swollen
Obi Wan: ... Anakin's the
father, isn't he?
Padmé looks away guiltily.
Obi Wan: I knew it wasn't really Jar-jar's baby.
Obi Wan leaves.
Later, Padmé takes her shuttle
to go look for Anakin. Obi Wan stealthily sneaks aboard.
Obi Wan: Hi, hi, hi! My plan is
working perfectly. I will find Anakin in no time.
Meanwhile, in the Chancellor's chamber,
Palpatine is talking to Anakin using his holographic hotline. Both
are wearing their Sith suits.
Anakin (in sinister voice): The
separatists are dead, my master.
Palpatine (in sinister voice):
It is finished then. You have done well. And your scary voice is
nearly as good as mine now. Good.
Anakin: Thank you... ehm...
Anakin (in sinister voice):
Thank you. Gotta go, there's a ship coming in.
Anakin rushes out to see Padmé
walking out of her ship.
Anakin: Padmé! You look
Padmé: It's only because I'm so in
Anakin: No, it's because I'm so in love with
Anakin: Still having morning
sickness? By the way, since you're having this baby any day now,
should you be traveling? And you look really thin, is the baby
alright? Have you even seen a gynecologist at all?
Padmé: I had to come. Obi
Wan said you were evil! That you killed younglings.
Anakin: Obi Wan is an idiot.
Padmé: All I want is your
Anakin: My love can't save you,
only my new powers can.
Padmé: Your new powers?
They can save me from your nightmare?
Anakin: Well... er... not as
such, no, but Lord Sidious and I are getting there! I won't lose you
like I lost my mother: kidnapped, raped and beaten to death by Sand
Padmé: Yeah. Like that
was really going to happen with me as a Senator on Coruscant.
Let's just go away together.
Anakin: No. I'm really powerful
now, so we don't have to run away. I know, I'll kill the chancellor
and we can rule the galaxy together. That'll be fun!
Padmé: You're insane.
Anakin: No I'm not! It's just
that they're all against me. I did this for you, you know!
Obi Wan steps out of the shuttle.
Anakin: ...You lied Padmé!
Forget what I said.
He chokes her using his powers, then
flings her into a corner.
Obi Wan: Didn't you turn to the
Dark Side for her?
Anakin: Eh. Maybe. It's all your
Obi Wan: You're clearly evil.
I'll kill you.
Anakin: You will try.
The last of the special effects budget
is used up in a massive lightsaber fight. Anakin and Obi Wan battle
their way across the lava processing facility.
Meanwhile in the Emperor's chamber.
Yoda: Howdie, Lord Sidious.
Palpatine: After all these
years, you've finally figured it out! Now die, Master Yoda.
A fight ensues. The Emperor cackles
maniacally, like the stereotype villain he is. Yoda fights, like the
muppet he is.
Then, after some thick lightsaber
combat, Yoda decides to call it quits.
Yoda: Tired I am. Someone else
the dirty work can do. Cowardice a Jedi's best friend is.
And so Yoda leaves with Senator Organa.
The view switches back to the fight
between Anakin and Obi Wan. Although Anakin is the most powerful Jedi
ever, he appears incapable of defeating Obi Wan. Finally, Obi Wan
jumps onto the shore of a lava river.
Anakin is near, but lower, on a
Obi Wan: Anakin. It's over. I
have the high ground.
Anakin: Screw you. You
underestimate my power.
Once again, Anakin misjudges his
abilities. He tries to jump over Obi Wan, but in one sweep Obi Wan
severs both his legs and his good arm, which is an astonishing feat
considering that it is physically impossible.
Anakin falls backwards onto the
hillside, sliding slowly into the lava. If only he had used the
floating platform he was on to fly over Obi Wan, instead of jumping.
Obi Wan: You were the chosen
one! It was said you would destroy the Sith, not join them! You were
to bring balance to the force!
Not like now, with only two Light Side
Jedi and two Dark Side Sith left, which is completely unbala-
...Okay, I think I've finally figured
out where we went wrong with that prophecy.
Anakin: I hate you!
Anakin groans and tries to claw his way
up the hill. Unsuccessfully.
Obi Wan: You were my brother,
Anakin. I loved you.
Anakin catches fire. He screams in
Obi Wan: You're like a beloved
dog that goes rabid. That dog that you love so much, but cannot save.
That dog that you then cut three legs off. That dog that you then set
on fire. And then watch it slowly die an agonizing death.
Anakin's flesh starts to burn off his
body. He screams more.
Obi Wan: I'm really sorry about
the horrible prolonged death and all, but I can't make myself kill
you. Okay, bye now. Gotta run.
Obi Wan leaves, taking Padmé
with him. He, Yoda, and Senator Organa meet on a distant moon.
Meanwhile, the Emperor retrieves the
broken, but still breathing, Anakin.
The view shifts to a medical bay where
Yoda, Obi Wan, and Senator Organa stand watching Padmé.
Droid: Medically she's fine.
She's just lost the will to live. Although that never happens in real
life, it does happen a lot in movies. We have to operate fast if we
wish to save the babies.
Obi Wan: Babies? Plural?
Have you seen her belly? There's no way two babies fit in there!
Droid: Ask George Lucas, it's
not my idea. Shall we cut them out?
Yoda: Good this is. More than
one to throw against the emperor we now have!
Obi Wan joins Padmé in the
operating room. The babies are taken from her womb by the droids.
Obi Wan: So, how do we call
Padmé (whispering weakly):
Steve and Stella. Steve and Stella Skywalker *Croak*.
Obi Wan (hissing): ... Steve and
Yoda: Dead she is. Call them
how, she did? Hear it we could not.
Obi Wan: Er. She called them...
Luke... and -ehm- Leia.
Luke and Leia cry, and the last two
Jedi look on thoughtfully.
Meanwhile, in a dark room on Coruscant,
Darth Vader awakens.
Palpatine: Lord Vader, can you
The Emperor raps loudly on Vader's
Palpatine: Yoohoo, Vader, are
you in there?
Vader (with a James Earl Jones
voice): Yes, master.
Palpatine: I hear the scary
voice machine that I had installed is working well.
Vader: This room is dark.
I can't see a bloody thing. And what the hell is that on my head?
Palpatine: It's your new helmet.
Now you're even uglier than me. It'll be fun!
Vader: How am I going to kiss
Padmé in this thing?
Palpatine: Don't worry, she's
kind of... dead. And it was your fault.
Vader: Aw, crap!
Palpatine (barely audible): Oh, and we had to
replace your penis by a length of rubber hose.
On the other end of the galaxy, Yoda,
Senator Organa and Obi Wan are in the meeting room aboard Organa's
ship, plotting their next move.
Organa: So, now what? How do we
bring the Emperor down.
Yoda: Hide we should. Wait for
years. Have Luke and Leia do the work we should!
Obi Wan: Good plan! I'm in.
Cowardice is our best friend.
Organa: Ehm... I was hoping for
something more active.
Obi Wan: We'll give you one of
the babies if you shut up.
Organa: I'm shutting up now. I
want the girl.
Yoda: Great. Obi Wan, take the
boy to his family on Tatooine you should. Go to Degobah I shall. I
have a special 'relationship' with the local fauna.
Obi Wan: Look, Yoda, isn't
Tatooine a place that Vader might visit?
Yoda: To Dagobah you wish to go?
Obi Wan: Point taken.
Yoda: While you're on Tatooine,
training I have for you! Qui-Gon Jinn a path has found to
Obi Wan: Qui-Gon? He has? Wait a
minute, isn't dying a good thing? One with the force and all.
Yoda: With that to hell, I say.
Jedi propaganda. To Qui-Gon I am talking right now!
Obi Wan: Okay. You've been
taking those herbs again, haven't you. I'm leaving now.
Yoda: Wait you must. Teach you
things, I will.
Obi Wan: Bye-bye, Yoda, see you
in episode five.
Obi Wan walks out of the room with
Senator Organa and the droids, leaving a brooding Yoda behind.
Organa: Right. You there,
Captain! Here are some droids. Take them and have this one's memory
Antilles: What for?
Organa: No reason, really. He
just bugs me.
C3PO: Hey, I heard that!
Organa: But you won't remember
R2D2: bleep-di-bleep (vengeance
This last provides a nice tie in to
Episode 3.5: R2D2 Goes To Town, where it is explained how C3PO and
R2D2 go bankrupt because of C3PO forgetting his PIN number. R2D2 is
forced to sell parts of his body (his cool boosters for instance) and
C3PO becomes the first droid pimp.
Finally, a view of Darth Vader and
Palpatine on the bridge of a starship, surveying the first skeleton
of what is to become the Death Star.
Vader: Ehm... I got it! So,
it's, like, a really big magic 8-ball. To predict the future really
Palpatine: No, Lord Vader, try
Vader: Ehm... It's for playing
Palpatine: No, you idiot, it's a
huge freaking gun!
Vader: Oh. That's nice. Say,
master, when are we going to work on finding the power to
beat death. That's why I joined you, remember?
Palpatine: Ehm... any time, now,
Lord Vader. Really. I promise.
(in an urgent whisper to an officer
nearby): Where the hell did I leave the Vader-suit-remote-control?